How do you deal with a future step-child?

[pattybee]

Hi. This isn't really a big problem yet but it just may be. My bf of 3 yrs has a love child who's entering her teens. She knows about me but has never met me. That's because she told my bf that she's not ready for me yet. I guess she still has these grand illusions that her dad and mom may reconcile and I, of course, play the villainess in this story.

The reason I'm asking for help is I really wouldn't know how to deal with a teenager. She has her own mind already and knows what she wants and doesn't want. She knows that she doesn't want to meet me, right? And I can't blame my bf for not wanting to pressure her because I understand that he has to be careful with her, too and doesn't want to hurt her.

I'm just trying to imagine the difficulties that lie ahead.

[Becks]

Hi pattybee!

lemme have a go at this...

try to put yourself in the kid's shoes. she's barely a teen and keep in mind that adolescence period is sort of a roller coaster ride when it comes to emotions and relationships.

with the type of culture we have, a family unit consist of a mom, a dad and a child. let's be honest with ourselves now, that filipinos are mostly narrow-minded when it comes to the "idea" of a family. and with the pressures that people around would give a child coming from a broken-family, is terribly a heavy load for a kid at that age!

feeling for the kid, she suffers the guilt of why her parents separated. she suffers the inferiority complex other kids throw at her. she suffers the fear of being alone when mom gets a family of her own, and dad gets a family of his. all these you see!

so, for me...stay put ka lang pattybee. don't push yourself too hard on her to be recognised. she knows you exist already. let it be. you know your stand in her dad's life so there's enough security for you. give it time.

one day, acceptance will come. she will be more aware that she's not the only victim around and that she has to move on, and embrace the people whom her loveones chose to spend their life with.

from what i can see, she's an intelligent girl. she told her dad, she's not ready yet to meet you.... and that means she wills to meet you one day.

encourage your bf to communicate and spend time with her daughter constantly. she deserves to be loved and get the attention the way you are loved and well attended by her dad. that way, your step-daughter-to-be won't feel intimidated by your presence in her dad's life. soon she'll realise that you can co-exist without pressure, and who knows you'd be friends before you know it!

give it time pattybee and be patient. Rome wasn't built in a day, and so does with trust....

Godspeed!

becks

[lwc]

with love.

[Bonafide]

Well-said, becks.

I myself is a step dad of two little boys. It seems that we have different situation though, pattybee. To be honest, It is more difficult than I thought to be a step parent. But just like as any typical marriages, we will face all trials and hardship together. And we will love our partner and the kids, and never hate them no matter what.

[pattybee]

Thanks, Becks, lwc and Bonafide :)

I actually forgot that I started a thread here about this :)

But since I did, a lot of things have happened. I can now say that I have a comfortable relationship with my boyfriend's teenage daughter. She turned 14 last year. I don't impose my presence but every now and then she reaches out to me through texts or phonecalls. She makes me kwento about school, her crushes, her classmates and other activities. She sometimes asks for advice, which I'm careful to give, because I know she sees me as an ally. A lot of the things she tells me, she can't tell her Mom or my boyfriend and she swears me to secrecy most of the time. I guess this is why she likes talking to me, because she knows I won't (and have no right) to reprimand her.

I'm happy with the current set-up. It took some time for this to happen and I'm sure that one day we'll become even closer. She seems to have accepted my presence in her Dad's life although I know there are times when she's still a bit uncomfortable about it. But that's okay, I know it's nothing personal.

[Thirst-Quencher]

That's great, sis :). Good luck.

[pattybee]

That's great, sis :). Good luck.

Thanks, Thirst-Quencher :)