Shocked! My 11-yr old boy in first BF-GF relationship - how to handle? Advise pls...

[echelon]

There came a time when my young boy started to ask about things of any sorts.. from what is the eyebrow for... out of the three colors in the traffic light, why is it red that's always on the top most... etc. Yesterday, another question of new nature was thrown to his papa - "papa, ano po yung month-sary?".

There also came the time when he started to become secretive e.g. password-protected access to cellphone's inbox & sent items, etc. Been checking on his cellphone hoping that one time he will miss to lock his cellphone. Until this morning.. yes! He missed to lock it!! Husband took the opportunity to have a peek at last received messages. Oh my God, today is my son's 1st month-sary with someone from his class!!!

I wasn't exactly expecting to unlock something that will keep me thinking about my little boy especially that I am not home - I am a new member of OFWs working in Singapore (came in May 2008). Have started to worry as I am clueless how to handle this. Any advise please?

[Li'l Sistah]

^^^all part of growing up. :D guess your husband would have to have 'the talk' na with him? or would that be going ahead of things? see where this relationship goes nalang muna. kids nowadays, earlier talaga lahat. media's influence kasi. my daughter is 6 and she supposedly has a boyfriend in school. but it's all good. as long as it doesn't interfere with her school work. :D

but your son's 11, and adolescent girl-boy relationships must be guided properly, especially since, lahat ngayon, paaga ng paaga, if you know what i mean. not to scare you a.

don't worry too much, let your hubby handle it first, then see where that will go.

[l•)]

right, it's all part of growing up. hindi ka lang siguro ready.

[PinoySaKSA]

^
have the same experience... at the same age of my kid... pero DAUGHTER sya...

We also panicked then... di ko alam kung ano'ng approach gagawin namin dahil we kept on telling/warning her about this in a very calm way as we thought this should be the right way... and we failed... should we resort to the more drastic way?...

well... then ***** dahil na rin sa setup namin dito, our kids cannot just go around alone without any parent with them so we realized we overreacted... it was really an "innocent relationship" as you would call it.. dahil ni hindi sila nag-uusap... sa internet at sometimes phone lang... but still we felt betrayed... syempre magulang eh..

then we talked to her... calmly but firmly... we told her that we are disappointed and we told her about things that may happen and why we don't want her to enter into any relationship... syempre may emphasis on her being a bata and should be enjoying her childhood playing and not thinking about a boy... plus sinabi namin na nakikita ba nya, natututo na sya magsinungaling at magtago sa amin dahil doon, and we are sure she felt guilty about it because she knew it was wrong... it was really an awkward experience!.. ang pinaka-end, we said that we want her to concentrate on her studies and enjoy being a child... break up with the "bf"... and finally we told her that we still trust her and we know she will obey us...

incidentally, napasok sya sa isang Catholic "Youth" Seminars... So ***** doon, naipaliwanag rin ang mga bagay-bagay na dapat nila gawin at hindi dapat gawin... so somehow mas naunawaan nya kami...

sa ngayon, medyo bantay pa rin kami... we told her we don't want her to close the door of her room when she uses the internet... tapos mas lalo namin syang kinakausap para hindi nya ma-feel na nabo-bore sya sa bahay or with us around... and we encourage her to bring barkadas to our house para at least kilala namin ang mga kasama nya... hopefully that way, she'll realize that having friends is fine at the moment...

[Li'l Sistah]

^^^i came from an international school, so dun, medyo maaga ang girl-boy relationships (maybe because there were many foreign students, e diba sa US, 7 years old pa lang mga bata dun, akala mo napaka-serious ng relationships?). e when i was in middle school (11 ako nun), my folks had that talk with me too. parang nung time na yon, i felt as if ang laki na ng kasalanan ko that i had a BF (more like MU or guy partner, nothing serious) but my parents really became strictER. as in, bawal na phone calls from guys, bawal to go out to watch movies pag may guys, basta... sinakal nila ako. so i ended up hiding everything from them. kasi i felt so out of place, it's not that they brought me up wrong, but my peers were always cool with their parents. haaay. anyway, be open with your kids. i would say don't make them feel that what they did was totally wrong. it is best for them to LET YOU KNOW, then hide it. but don't make them feel that you totally disapprove. kasi, chances are, they'll hide it pa din.

[echelon]

Thanks for all your replies.

@Li'l Sistah - yes, it's true - that's part of growing up but never thought it could be this soon. Tama din yung isang nagreply above, maybe I was caught unprepared for situations like this. I have been wanting them to see me as their bestfriend whom they can open up their selves with about anything. And kahit na medyo shocked ako this time, I had to pretend as if wala lang. Pero siguro nga kasi hindi ako ready.

On the other hand, I think managing this type of issue for a boy is simpler than for a girl - just like @PinoySaKSA's story shared above - I would probably be more panicked kung sa girl ko mangyari yan (hwag naman sana). Ika nga, walang mawawala sa boy. But that is not to say na hindi possible na magkaroon ng unfavorable results sa studies kung boy. And when worse comes to worst, boy or girl pareho pa rin na magsasuffer in cases of unexpected teenage pregnancy.

[echelon]

I'll probably see where this goes for now. But not being there myself makes it more difficult for me - talk about mother's guilt :(

[Li'l Sistah]

mommy, ako, i got pregnant early, and because of what happened to me, my parents now understand the mistakes they made in the past (panganay kasi ako e). so with my sibs, especially the two youngest ones, they are more considerate. they ask us (my brother and me) for our opinions, etc. and so far, ok naman when it comes to my two youngest siblings.

suggest you get hold of the book: POWER OF A PRAYING PARENT. :D it helped my mom big time. ako din e. helps me too. :D nothing like having the assurance that God is taking care of your child, especially when you cannot be there all the time.

[CoolCucumber]

Echelon, alamin mo muna sa anak mo kung ano ang ibig sabihin para sa kanya ng pagkakaro'n bf-gf relationship. Parang, alam mo 'yun, sa ating mga matatanda [hehehe] may sex involved dun usually. Pero para sa kanilang mga bata ba, ano ba gf para sa kanila?

Imbitahin mong lumabas kayo kasama ang gf niya. Subukan mo kaya? Parang playdate. Isama mo rin ang parents nung babae [kung puwede]. Para at least magkaro'n kayo ng idea kung pa'no siya makitungo sa babae. Malay mo, harmless naman pala, tulad nung cute na movie na set in New York about childhood bf/gfs. Sa HBO ko napanood 'yun... something Manhattan yata. ;) Relax ka lang diyan. *okay*


:rpflag:

[JimmySantos]

There came a time when my young boy started to ask about things of any sorts.. from what is the eyebrow for... out of the three colors in the traffic light, why is it red that's always on the top most... etc. Yesterday, another question of new nature was thrown to his papa - "papa, ano po yung month-sary?".

There also came the time when he started to become secretive e.g. password-protected access to cellphone's inbox & sent items, etc. Been checking on his cellphone hoping that one time he will miss to lock his cellphone. Until this morning.. yes! He missed to lock it!! Husband took the opportunity to have a peek at last received messages. Oh my God, today is my son's 1st month-sary with someone from his class!!!

I wasn't exactly expecting to unlock something that will keep me thinking about my little boy especially that I am not home - I am a new member of OFWs working in Singapore (came in May 2008). Have started to worry as I am clueless how to handle this. Any advise please?

Ok lang po yun, nanjan naman po kayo. It's all part of growing up atsaka boy naman yung sa inyo kaya walang mawawala sa kanya. It would be nice to see your grandchild(ren) while you are still young and healthy, you can enjoy them and play with them at an early age. Dapat lang po you should work extra harder to support not only your family but your extended family as well, its a good reason to ask for a raise or to look for a 2nd job sa Singapore, and one thing good about it is that at this stage hindi po pwedeng maikasal yung anak nyo so ligtas sya sa kahit anong responsibilidad. But having a girlfriend at a very young age would help boost his confidence, make him more aware of the other sex and their physiology.

It's priceless,

for anything else there will always be mom and dad for support.

[[FickleMinded]]

i'm not really surprised with the bf-gf at an early age,like they said,it's a part of growing up at yung mga ganyan mga puppy love lang yan,parang kung sa adult,special friendship but they just wanna call it like that.ang nakakapagtaka lang, he's only 11 yrs old,bakit sinisecret na nya sa inyo?di ba yung mga ganyan dapag excited sya at maging very open.hindi kayo dapat mag worry sa relationship nila ng gf nya but it's your relationship with him that is' somewhat alarming.

[DELISYUS]

i remember a friend whose daughter was 6 then when the daughter told her that she has a boyfriend... my friend remained calm and just asked her daughter what they do as boyfriend-girlfriend, so the girl told her na they play together (kumbaga, they just put some expectations on their 'relationship' na they'd play together everyday, and pick each other first for partners or a team, etc)

anyway... confront your child gently about this 'relationship'... what do they do? what are the expectations? do the girl's parents know? explain what boy-girl relationships are for you (or in your time), communicate your concerns, primary of which is the fact that he didn't tell you about this when he should... lay ground rules, meet the girl, etc

if you feel it's just not right... tell your boy that... stand firm and be the parent...

just because it's the norm now doesn't mean you have to dance to the same beat... you know your family best

but also... just because you have fears shouldn't stop you from trsuting your child's good judgment din

super fine line to walk, i know...so good luck!

[echelon]

@CoolCucumber - that's a good one! Hmmm, I think I have some plans now.. but not to have dinner with the girl & her parents. I'll let him express himself regarding what he knows about being in bf-gf relationship as such. And in the same session, I will show the openness at our end but at the same time I could set some ground rules for him/them especially with their studies, school hours, etc.

@FickleMinded - A niece of mine (13-yr old) started staying with us since late last year. Since there is not that much age gap between my niece and my son, my kids have become so close to her. My son has actually acquired the idea of putting passwords from his Ate (my niece). He was not at all secretive until recently when he made gaya to his Ate. Just a couple of months ago, that girl has entered into her first bf-gf relationship as well.

Just now, that made me think that it could be that my son is also making gaya his Ate!! Or could it be that his Ate is feeding him ideas about being in bf-gf relationship?

[echelon]

Ok lang po yun, nanjan naman po kayo. It's all part of growing up atsaka boy naman yung sa inyo kaya walang mawawala sa kanya. It would be nice to see your grandchild(ren) while you are still young and healthy, you can enjoy them and play with them at an early age. Dapat lang po you should work extra harder to support not only your family but your extended family as well, its a good reason to ask for a raise or to look for a 2nd job sa Singapore, and one thing good about it is that at this stage hindi po pwedeng maikasal yung anak nyo so ligtas sya sa kahit anong responsibilidad. But having a girlfriend at a very young age would help boost his confidence, make him more aware of the other sex and their physiology.

It's priceless,

for anything else there will always be mom and dad for support.


naku, teka muna.. mukhang gusto ko naman yata lalong matakot nyan :(

of course, it would be nice to see your grandchildren grow before you are taken away from this journey. but it would be great to see your children as being responsible parents to your grandchildren. it would be a very pleasing sight to see my children self-sufficiently supporting their own families.

in most cases in the past, people have taken advantage of the circumstance of early parenthood. at some point, yes, they had to lean on their parents for support - but, from own experience, it's been very seldom to hear people like them who strived hard to be own their own. most of them seemed to have found their comfort zones and took advantage of the situation - thus, leaving all the responsibilities for bringing home the bacon from the poor grandparents of their children. I just wish that this will not happen to my children and I will do everything in my power for them to be capable of standing on their own. and yeah, with a whole lot of prayers to go with that :)

[echelon]

i remember a friend whose daughter was 6 then when the daughter told her that she has a boyfriend... my friend remained calm and just asked her daughter what they do as boyfriend-girlfriend, so the girl told her na they play together (kumbaga, they just put some expectations on their 'relationship' na they'd play together everyday, and pick each other first for partners or a team, etc)

anyway... confront your child gently about this 'relationship'... what do they do? what are the expectations? do the girl's parents know? explain what boy-girl relationships are for you (or in your time), communicate your concerns, primary of which is the fact that he didn't tell you about this when he should... lay ground rules, meet the girl, etc

if you feel it's just not right... tell your boy that... stand firm and be the parent...

just because it's the norm now doesn't mean you have to dance to the same beat... you know your family best

but also... just because you have fears shouldn't stop you from trsuting your child's good judgment din

super fine line to walk, i know...so good luck!


I wish to hear something that's not that serious as well when I have the 'talk' with my son.

Yeah, good point - the situation should not be taken against his capability for making good judgment. Maybe, it's just because of his lack of good knowledge about being in such a relationship.

[sweetwahm]

The dreaded growing up stage! :D

I still got a lot of years before this happens hehehe.... or do I? I remember an old conversation with my hubby while seeing how my son (3 years old) was going all karate moves in front of a girl. I was like, "He wants for fight girls now, but in high school he's gonna be looking at them in a whole new light. Baka 1st year pa lang yan, may gf na." Hubby: "1st year?! 1st gf ko grade 4 pa lang ako nun ha!" Lech :bop: :lol:

CoolCucumber, that movie is Little Manhattan. I watched it on HBO too... I love! It's so sweet... all about puppy love and crushes. Somehow, di pa makuha sa akin ang "Rosemary... Rosemary Telesco..." :love: It's so feel-good and it makes me miss New York a lot!

echelon, I suggest you watch that movie. The title is Little Manhattan. It's nice... about an 11 year old kid who suddenly notices girls as girls. :) Maybe that's the kind of innocent puppy love stage your son is going through, so relax lang. :)

And I like your take on the children and grandchildren part. I agree, maraming young parents who take advantage of their situation because the parents step in to support. In the case of the parents... hindi naman pwede pabayaan, which leaves the young ones more dependent on their parents for support because they are settled into their new comfort zone. As parents (hubby and I), we too shall do everything we can to ensure that the kids grow up to be responsible adults. Yes indeed, it would be nice to see our grandchildren while we are still young ourselves, but sus me, wag naman pati lolo at lola, eh sa financial support pa aasa.

[Ice Burn]

I look at my 12 yr old brother and he's still an immature twat who still bugs my parents to buy him Happy Meals for the toy. :lol:

I don't know if you should be too concerned because it's probably just some puppy love part of growing up. Anyway, you should talk to your son. But expect that to embarrass him.

Funny, I remember when I was 11, I went to Bali with my family to visit my cousins. There was this 11 year old kid who was a friend of my cousin and he had a big crush on me. Gave me a love letter haha. And he actually sent me a letter to the Philippines. :lol: I look back and sure it was a kilig moment and I thought about what happens if ever it became "us" but during that time the most I could think of was holding hands. Kissing was icky. So it was just some sort of like thing. :lol:

And when I was 12, I started taking taekwondo. There was this 12 yr old boy who also had a crush on me and openly admitted it. Ok I had a little crush on him too and I guess it was kind of some weird kiddie infatuation thing. But he was shorter than me. :lol: Well it didn't lead to anything serious but we became really good friends after we got past that kiddie infatuation. We kind of lost contact through the years, when he moved to the province.

Heck I didn't tell any of my parents this because I didn't want them to tease me. When I told them I had a crush on this guy. I was age 10. They blabbed it to everyone and everyone kept teasing and teasing me. So maybe that's why your son is not telling you because he's afraid to get teased.

[summersday]

better start teaching your boy the story about the birds and the bees :lol:

[quinone]

;30389576']i'm not really surprised with the bf-gf at an early age,like they said,it's a part of growing up at yung mga ganyan mga puppy love lang yan,parang kung sa adult,special friendship but they just wanna call it like that.ang nakakapagtaka lang, he's only 11 yrs old,bakit sinisecret na nya sa inyo?di ba yung mga ganyan dapag excited sya at maging very open.hindi kayo dapat mag worry sa relationship nila ng gf nya but it's your relationship with him that is' somewhat alarming.

i am not yet a parent but i am married, i suppose you can disregard my opinion but i totally agree with FickleMinded. talk with your partner on how you can speak with your son & approach his case in a manner na hindi threatening for him, like what what he did is considered bad. i greatly oppose to snooping. i think even 11-year-old children need privacy and sometimes you discover things you either don't want to know or are not prepared for.

please let us know how you handled this one. medyo nakakaworry din kase we plan to have kids in the near future, and nahahalata namin parang pabata ng bata nagsta-start ang relationship talaga nila.

[[FickleMinded]]

@FickleMinded - A niece of mine (13-yr old) started staying with us since late last year. Since there is not that much age gap between my niece and my son, my kids have become so close to her. My son has actually acquired the idea of putting passwords from his Ate (my niece). He was not at all secretive until recently when he made gaya to his Ate. Just a couple of months ago, that girl has entered into her first bf-gf relationship as well.

Just now, that made me think that it could be that my son is also making gaya his Ate!! Or could it be that his Ate is feeding him ideas about being in bf-gf relationship?maybe it's the "ate" thing and he thought that having a gf makes him "older".
why not confront him in a casual manner,like during dinner time or on your way to school, ask him abt his classmates,their names, who's the prettier in class,who he likes the best,why he likes her,let him tell the story as if he's just telling it as it is. bec if he found out about you guys na alam nyo,magkakaron naman ng issue about his trust,like invading his privacy or something like that,na he can't trust you anymore to leave his stuff without you messing with it.

*deep within me,i wish i can follow my own advice when it happen to me,bec my son is only 7 yrs old.like what they say, everybody knows how to be the BEST MOM until you have a child of your own. :D

[echelon]

echelon, I suggest you watch that movie. The title is Little Manhattan. It's nice... about an 11 year old kid who suddenly notices girls as girls. :) Maybe that's the kind of innocent puppy love stage your son is going through, so relax lang. :)

And I like your take on the children and grandchildren part. I agree, maraming young parents who take advantage of their situation because the parents step in to support. In the case of the parents... hindi naman pwede pabayaan, which leaves the young ones more dependent on their parents for support because they are settled into their new comfort zone. As parents (hubby and I), we too shall do everything we can to ensure that the kids grow up to be responsible adults. Yes indeed, it would be nice to see our grandchildren while we are still young ourselves, but sus me, wag naman pati lolo at lola, eh sa financial support pa aasa.

Hmmm, I need to see that movie Little Manhattan. Hopefully I'll be enlightened and be able to get some ideas how to smartly handle this.

And oo naman noh.. please lang. wag naman lolo at lola na kumakayod pa para sa kanila. utang na loob! I've been working to earn money as young as before Grade 1 and been the bread winner since age of 18.. Wag naman till age 80... I deserve a break! :D

[echelon]

suggest you get hold of the book: POWER OF A PRAYING PARENT. :D it helped my mom big time. ako din e. helps me too. :D nothing like having the assurance that God is taking care of your child, especially when you cannot be there all the time.

Hi, Li'l Sistah. Thanks for the tip. Do you know if this book is available outside of Philippines?

[Li'l Sistah]

^^^yes, go to a christian bookstore in singapore. the author is Stormie Omartian, same author of the famed POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE. :D

here is an online christian site based in sg that sells it: http://www.christianmusichouse.com/html/product.asp?ProductID=1114 :D

it is also available at TECMAN's. http://www.booksite.com/texis/scripts/oop/click_ord/showdetail.html?sid=3767&isbn=0736919252&buyable=0

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[echelon]

@Li'l Sistah - I'd say I'm impressed.. not only that you've answered yes or no to my previous query. Tinunton mo pa talaga where in Singapore the book can be found. Mabuhay ka, kapatid! Salamat :)

[Leo_Girl]

mommy, ako, i got pregnant early, and because of what happened to me, my parents now understand the mistakes they made in the past (panganay kasi ako e). so with my sibs, especially the two youngest ones, they are more considerate. they ask us (my brother and me) for our opinions, etc. and so far, ok naman when it comes to my two youngest siblings.

suggest you get hold of the book: POWER OF A PRAYING PARENT. :D it helped my mom big time. ako din e. helps me too. :D nothing like having the assurance that God is taking care of your child, especially when you cannot be there all the time.

Hi Lil'l Sistah! I'm also a mom and i am interested to have the power of a praying parent book that you mentioned. May i know the author of the book.

Thanks a lot! :)

[Li'l Sistah]

Hi Lil'l Sistah! I'm also a mom and i am interested to have the power of a praying parent book that you mentioned. May i know the author of the book.

Thanks a lot! :)

the author is Stormie Omartian. if you are here in the Philippines, i know National, Fully Booked and Bestsellers carry some of Stormie's books, but to be sure, you may go to OMF. they publish this locally, i think.

[mia_sp77]

Hello everyone. My son is 11 and he also has a "gf" already. I'm a single parent so these things are twice as hard for me to handle considering I have to talk to my son both as mom and dad. Hirap nito gawin. When he first told me nga talagang umiyak ako :mecry:(pero not in front of him). I didn't expect na ganun yung magiging reaction ko that time kasi I wasn't thinking na issue na pala sa 11 yr old yun ngayon. So what I did was talk to him and ask him kung ano ba yung meaning ng BF/GF sa kanya. And relieved naman ako kasi ang sagot nya: "Parang pinaka-best friend ko sya in school..." :) Haay...sana nga best friend lang. hehe. Anyway, I recently heard na break na daw yata sila nung gf nya. Ayaw na daw muna nya mag gf. Friends na lang daw nya lahat... Yehey! :D

[[FickleMinded]]

^good for you, at least he's open with you and I think that's the good part of it,that he tell you about it instead of hiding it.

[Books&stuff]

Medyo nagulat din kami ng hubby ko when our 11 ** son (my bunso) told him na may crush sa kanya si M (classmate niya), tapos saka si K. Sabi niya "sila na" na daw ni M kasi ngastart daw sila as best friends at yung girl daw ang tagapagtanggol niya sa school.

Di kami nagpakita na nagulat kami. Di naman kami naghigpit. Di rin naging masiadong mausisa. Kasi yung bunso ko naman makwento sa Dad niya at sa akin. Basta tahimik lang pero nagmamasid.

Ayun! Panay ang text at YM dati pag weekends. Tapos pareho sila nagco comment sa Friendster accounts nila. Oo may code din ang cellphone niya. Pero weekends lang niya nahahawakan.

Yung girl panay tawag sa bahay at minsang ako maksagot - I asked her, nililigawan ka ba ni L? (my son), aba bumungisngis na parang kinikiliti - Opo, hi hi hi. I told her na mag-aral muna sila. Opo naman daw.

These past days I asked him, gf mo pa ba si M? Sinagot ba naman ako ng, "Hindi na po." I asked him why? Kasi nakita ko may palabok sa kilikili. Ano yun? may buhok Ma sa kilikili. Ayoko nga sa ganun saka gusto ko sa maputi.

Now, as in wala na lang... hindi na lagi nag YM or Friendster... pero sabi may mga may crush daw sa kanya na kaklase niya pero ang aarte daw.

Wait lang ako kasi for sure one of these days may ikukuwento na naman yun. At lagi kaming makikinig.