Prototype of a Single Mother

[Stiletto]

allow me to rage in this thread. i am so fed up with people who judge me without knowing what hell ive been through and what hell im trying to avoid.

Prototype of a Single Mother


Even in this day and age, the unwed mother is prone to the hostile jab of social stigma. There still exists a bothersome abnormality in raising a child illegitimate and fatherless, an abnormality that is often pointed out by the more conservative- as if they actualy knew anything about it.

Being an unwed mother is, of course, not a great thing. And I don’t even mean that in the context of religion or decency. It is a bad thing in itself. It’s just hard to reconcile the utter scandal society seems to make of it when this is the same society that sends soldiers overseas to participate in the slaughter of entire families for the sake of what we call peace and progress.

I am a single mother trying to raise my son. I am trying to juggle work, my studies and motherhood without losing track of the person I would have been right now if I didn’t have my son.

Why did I include the latter as one of my priorities?

Because it’s very important to me that I put as much normalcy in my life as a young adult- otherwise I might end up bitter towards the things I deprived myself when I became a mother. I never want to look back on these days with regret that I had a son ahead of my time. I never want to resent my son, subconsciously or otherwise, for the parties I missed and the people I passed up on and the dreams I could have fulfilled.

It seems that many people around me think this is wrong. They turn up their noses at my mistakes regarding the care and feeding of my son. They have an inexhaustible supply of opinions about how I should spend my time with him. They tirelessly criticize, as if they had nothing better to do with their own lives, which I hardly think has attained perfection. They frown when I try to enjoy myself on occasion, as if the momentary respite from my busy life would somehow have seriously damaging repercussions when my son grows up. Were talking about going out on Saturday nights here, while my mother minds my son or having friends come over and talking to them while my boy is asleep.

What then is expected of mothers like me?

Should I curl up and weep in shame? Should I sell my soul to buy up my son’s future? Should I spend 24 hours just sitting by my son’s cradle and watch him breath?

I did not die. I only got pregnant and gave birth to a child.

I am responsible for his life, but this doesn’t mean that I have to give up my own. It means that from now on, our lives are forever linked.

Thus, if I make my life miserable, this will be reflected in his life as well.

I do not want my son to look at me someday and say to himself: “ Oh, my mom is all burned up and exhausted because she had me when she was rather young and she raised my all by herself.”

I do not see the heroism there. I see a woman who stumbled and fell on her face and never managed to get all the way back on her feet. She didn’t stay down- she only stood up just enough so she wouldn’t be lying on the floor.

I want my son to grow up and be able to tell people that his mom is successful and cool and beautiful in spite of all that went haywire in her life. I want him to see that the circumstances of his birth did not cost me anything- even if it actually did. That’s not his concern. He does not have to see it that way.

Do I have to be a pathetic mess- smelling only of rubbing alcohol and infant formula, standing frozen by my son’s crib, singing nothing but lullabies? Will my critics be happy then?

Will I be a competent mother then?

I do not want motherhood to destroy my life.

I do not want to think of his birth as that which ended all the dreams and fun things in my life.

I want to think of him as that which made my life better by giving a purpose, a meaning to everything that I do.

I refuse to be the harassed, single-mother prototype that the universe wants me to be.

That’s not the kind of mommy I want my son to have.

am i asking for too damn much?

i would love to hear your thoughts and sentiments on single motherhood or fatherhood or parenting in general.

[DELISYUS]

I would admit to praying that there are no single mothers out there....mainly because i believe a child deserves both parents to nurture him/her.....

Still, i salute you and your kind......well, your kind who, in spite of the WRONG (getting pregnant out of wedlock, mainly) thing that has happened, didn't decide to do another WRONG thing (abort baby).....

Gripe all you want in here sis......but also know, these trying times WILL pass......these judgemental people ARE NOT the ones you should and will depend upon....taking care of who you are and enjoying what you still can at your age IS but just right :)

(another unwanted opinion, i only dislike women who had had the mistake of getting pregnant...and not wised up after...you know, getting pregnant again after that...still out of wedlock....or settling for some abusive *****...or stagnating as a housewife because she's scared of facing up the stigma at school or work....or those who believe that they've stopped having HONOR they need to defend when need be the moment they ended up preggy)

[Fairy_nd_meadow]

I dunno what to say, really, felt I just wanted to reply.... and say something....

PERSONALLY, I don't give it much of a thought if one is a single mom or not.... not that I'm trying to be "liberated" here.... It's just that you have, probably, SO MUCH MORE than what other judgmental people have.... your child is one! And you know what? Call me weird or anything but I'd rather be called names and be judged harshly than lose a very special child who have made my life a hundred times, ten thousand (to the highest degree) times so much more fulfilling and complete... YES, COMPLETE.... and I say its possible!

Don't lose sight of what is TRULY important, dear! You are who you are and not what other peple make you or think of you! Fact is, it all boils down to what you have become! :flower:

[DELISYUS]

besides, like what i've mentioned in one of my threads before......you cannot succeed as a mother if you're not happy as a person....if you're not fulfilled as a person....

after all, you ARE a person first, a woman second, a mother third...:)

(i didn't count you being a daughter, sister, friend)

[Quentin]

girl, with the things you just wrote here, and the things you realize about your situation, i won't be surprised that you will get through with it.

hard it is that you have people that don't really see, but not harder is that there are positive people out there for you.

trust me, everything will be just fine and both of us know it :)

it always does :)

[Jannine]

it really takes a lot of guts and determination to be someone you really want to be. Being a mother doesn't stop you from anything. Your dreams, aspirations and fulfillment must still go on because this is also a good stepping stone to achieve your goals. Your son is now another reason to continue this dream.

hey, don't bother what they tell you. what's important is you and your son is happy, you eat 3x a day, and you have a home. whether you live comfortably or not, just make sure you instill the good values and the character you have to your son because its such a nice feeling to be able to see him grow and be like you. Good luck to us. :)

[Stiletto]

you people are wonderful, really.

not only did you read that really long piece of my mind, you also posted things that made me realize that the people who go out of their way to criticize me dont know jacksh!t about what i have to juggle here.

thank you, guys, and when you have children of your own,i hope things go easier for you.

but you now what, even if they don't, parenthood is nontheless happier!;)

[ngetz]

i can't help but read your sentiments with awe and admiration....i hope all girls get to read it too..even those who think they'll never be in the same situation, just so they'd learn from your experience and from your points of view.

but how about love? have you considered falling in love still? what if a guy comes along...what's more important to you...someone you love, or someone who will love you and your son? :wondering:

[popgirl]

grabe it's so me! we have the same sentiments. i used to ask myself why the world is so unfair for us single moms.

diba it's so hard to find a guy na nga who would accept us, be serious with us kasi pag nalaman nilang u have a kid na parang may ketong ka? they'll say "ano ka ba? may anak na yun!" or "ano ba yan, maghahanap lang dun pa sa may anak" blah-blah-blah. it hurts!

and then when we are interested naman sa ibang guys sasabihin sa iyo ng friends mo (not knowing it's hurting you na, "ito o, lumalandi pa, may anak ka na nga e"

bakit? kapag nagkaanak ka ba nababawasan ba ang pagkababae mo??? hindi ka na ba normal?

grrr.... naalala ko na naman.

[raven23]

Uh, you were always just some chick. I never thought of you as a single mom. :)

[Stiletto]

Originally posted by raven23
Uh, you were always just some chick. I never thought of you as a single mom. :)

with the way your mind works, im not surprised. :lol: joke, buddy.

this is a good thing right?

:rolleyes:

[Stiletto]

Originally posted by popgirl
grabe it's so me! we have the same sentiments. i used to ask myself why the world is so unfair for us single moms.

diba it's so hard to find a guy na nga who would accept us, be serious with us kasi pag nalaman nilang u have a kid na parang may ketong ka? they'll say "ano ka ba? may anak na yun!" or "ano ba yan, maghahanap lang dun pa sa may anak" blah-blah-blah. it hurts!

and then when we are interested naman sa ibang guys sasabihin sa iyo ng friends mo (not knowing it's hurting you na, "ito o, lumalandi pa, may anak ka na nga e"

bakit? kapag nagkaanak ka ba nababawasan ba ang pagkababae mo??? hindi ka na ba normal?

grrr.... naalala ko na naman.

true.

i dont really have a problem with guys staying away because im a mom, although i have lost a few interesting guys who just werent interested in dating a single mom. its really not a pressing issue. in fact medyo problem ko nga pag feeling "daddy" na kagad sila. ano ba yon ha? bat yung iba atat hanapan ng tatay anak nila kahit makasagasa na ng ibang tao? i admire single moms who dont look for men- they just take em as they come, if theyre worth it. if theyre not, wag na, anak na lang asikasuhin.

problem ko talaga yung mga judgemental na tao na akala mo ang gagaling nila at alam nila kung anong pinagdadaanan ko.

lalo na kung yung critic mo eh mommy na rin- wow, feeling perfect ba?walang perfect na nanay eh! ill go mad if i try to be.

and youre so right about people thinking na wala kang karapatan mag-date ksi may anak ka na. hello? may asawa ka ba? for me, as long as i dont sacrifice the well-being of my son for the things i want to do with my life, ill do it. we are two different people. we have two different lives. my life has to go on too.

sigh. there i go again.

may naalala rin ako eh.

[Quentin]

hush.

[Slake]

it's a free world, darling. stones are thrown at anyone,
right and left.

i'm a single mom myself.

[Stiletto]

Originally posted by Slake
it's a free world, darling. stones are thrown at anyone,
right and left.

yeah, but this doesn't make it all right, does it?



Quentin- hey, why are you shushing me? i didnt post in all caps!:rolleyes:

[Stiletto]

Originally posted by ngetz
but how about love? have you considered falling in love still? what if a guy comes along...what's more important to you...someone you love, or someone who will love you and your son? :wondering:

have i fallen in love after having my son? i thought so. ive had real intense feelings for a guy or two but none of them lasted.

im not sure i know the answer to your question- im sure though, that no man will ever come first before my son.

[B0LER0]

Dear Ma’am,

I am thankful for the insights you posted in this forum. I have never read a piece from a similarly situated individual as personal and heartfelt as yours. With what you’ve written, you made me live your life in but a fleeting moment, though what I glimpsed would last a lifetime. I have always respected single mothers for the decision they made, but giving me a view of the demands, the tribulations and the incessant and (more often than not) improper expectations they have to go through made me respect them more. And before this post would needlessly be stretched by my blabbering fingers, I want to express, with all sincerity, how grateful I am for the words you have shared...

If you were my mother, I would be your very proud son.

Have a pleasant day, Mademoiselle.

[D_ex]

what a tough situation. I would not know much about it though, I can only base it on my observations and point of views.

Well having a kid early is such a great change in life. A new responsibillity and thus new walls and bridges needs to be formed. You have to adjust a lot of things in your life. You are right on the point that motherhood or parenthood should I say is not suppose to take away all the chance for a person to have fun. It should not be a set of four walls that would lock up a person and chain them to their children.

About other people who seem to want to take control in your life and tell you what to do. Well I have always believed that nobody has a right to dictate what we should do with our lives. They can only go as far as suggest but never should they decide what we do with our lives. Just give a damn about those people that are worth the attention and ignore those who do not have anything better to do than make life miserable for other people :)

For you, a salute I offer :)

[Jannine]

Dear Single Mother,

You are a single mother,
and I know it is not what you expected or planned for,
but it is something I understand. I have walked through this
with you from the very beginning, and I am with you now.
I know there are times when you are lonely, but remember
that you are never alone. I know there are things
that cause you worry and anxiety, but I want you to know that
I have promised to provide for you and meet your needs.

I want you to trust Me with your children
I will be a Father to them,
and they will never go anywhere that is outside
the coverings of My love.
I want you to trust Me with your future.
I will do what is good and what is best.

When things are shaking I will keep you steady...
When things are hurting I will heal the pain...
when things are uncertain I will be your guide...
when things are unclear I will be your Wisdom...
when things are overwhelming I will be your strength...
when things are dark I will be your light...
when things are hectic I will be your rest.

It brings Me great pleasure to know
your heart is trusting in Me.
KEEP ON in My strength, KEEP ON in My joy,
KEEP ON in my peace, KEEP ON in My love.

Love,
God

[Quentin]

Originally posted by Stiletto


yeah, but this doesn't make it all right, does it?



Quentin- hey, why are you shushing me? i didnt post in all caps!:rolleyes:

baka kako hina-hi-blood ka na eh. hehe.

[edwincasimero]

Don't take it too hard.
Dami tutulong sa iyo.
You got parents, siblings, relatives, friends et. al.

Life is never easy, raising your child will be worth it.

[Slake]

Originally posted by Stiletto


yeah, but this doesn't make it all right, does it?



Quentin- hey, why are you shushing me? i didnt post in all caps!:rolleyes:




not at all.

been bruised here, singled out and charged with piercing accusations but they never saw me cry, though i did bleed. bleeding is tastier, i thought, is it not? and then i see my daughter. i tell myself 'i can not be transgressed'.

sheeeeettttt!!!! there i go again.

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ayaw ko na dito. sayo na lang yung famas award ko.



:lol:

[Stiletto]

Originally posted by B0LER0
Dear Ma’am,

I am thankful for the insights you posted in this forum. I have never read a piece from a similarly situated individual as personal and heartfelt as yours. With what you’ve written, you made me live your life in but a fleeting moment, though what I glimpsed would last a lifetime. I have always respected single mothers for the decision they made, but giving me a view of the demands, the tribulations and the incessant and (more often than not) improper expectations they have to go through made me respect them more. And before this post would needlessly be stretched by my blabbering fingers, I want to express, with all sincerity, how grateful I am for the words you have shared...

If you were my mother, I would be your very proud son.

Have a pleasant day, Mademoiselle.


gracias, senor bolero.:)

it is peole like you who reaffirm my faith that there are kind people out there.

i am glad my post did something for you- your post did something for me as well.

[Stiletto]

Originally posted by D_ex
what a tough situation. I would not know much about it though, I can only base it on my observations and point of views.

Well having a kid early is such a great change in life. A new responsibillity and thus new walls and bridges needs to be formed. You have to adjust a lot of things in your life. You are right on the point that motherhood or parenthood should I say is not suppose to take away all the chance for a person to have fun. It should not be a set of four walls that would lock up a person and chain them to their children.

About other people who seem to want to take control in your life and tell you what to do. Well I have always believed that nobody has a right to dictate what we should do with our lives. They can only go as far as suggest but never should they decide what we do with our lives. Just give a damn about those people that are worth the attention and ignore those who do not have anything better to do than make life miserable for other people :)

For you, a salute I offer :)

and i return the salute, d_ex. you know why.:)

[gemyl]

uhmmmm wala ko masabi dun sa pinost nyo. nakakatuwa na nakakalakas ng loob.

Stiletto ganun din feeling ko minsan. uhmmm ang importante siguro talaga ginagawa mo un best mo para sa kanila. un mga guys....uhmmmm hehe NC ako dyan no comment. hehehee!

[purplemahal]

we have the same situation.....actually i tried to apply for a job as a preschool teacher and they really look down on single moms like us...yeah, i know that they have a reputation to keep, but....


actually, di na ko natuto kasi i have 4 kids now at 23 but i'm not ashamed of my situation because i'm very much happy. it's just hard that my own family thinks that i'm such a flirt and can't live without a guy....if they only knew, if they only asked what i feel... but, i can't do anything about those people who thinks and say ill things about me...basta i'll be a mother that my mom never was and never will be....

[gemyl]

4 kids? wow saludo ako ***! ang hirap kasi mag support financially. its really nice to hear that your'e happy :)

[rampage]

i re-read this thread and na-touch naman ako sa mga nakasulat dito.

TO THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW, this is STILETTO.

i hope all you good people out here are fine and happy and in good health. :)

[maxine de la pena]

I so much agree with you stilleto, I am a single mom myself.

The thing is people would judge you without knowing who you really are. You get discriminated, buti ka nga you found a job kaagad. When I was in the Phil. it was hard to get a job, due to the fact that Im a single mom.

Mas mahirap din naman yung ideny mo na me anak ka na just to get a job. Tapos guys would look at you as somebody very easy to get, so you have to strive harder to prove them otherwise.

The thing is Im a sinle mother by choice, I dont think I should get married just because I have a son. And from experience I've been called stupid and dumb a lot of times, just because I turned down the offer of marriage.

But on the lighter side, I have friends who are insanely jealous of my life, coz at least my direction na. May anak na e.

Right now, Im a thousand miles away from my son, but thanks to the wonders of technology we get to chat everyday, and the only reason I keep holding on is the fact that one of these days I would be able to bring him here and give him a better, brighter future. More than I could've given him if I married his dad.

[demonique]

of all the threads here, ** ako sobrang naka-relate..i gave birth to my twins last march1..makin' them a li'l mor than 2 months..but since i got pregnant, nwlan nako ng social lyf..w/c is ok kc i hav to take care of myself..

but u knw, iba tlg ang tingin s mga tulad naten kpag ngwiwish *** MINSAN lumabas man lang.. muka tayong WALANG KWENTA.. e *** b?? ndi naman un day off e.. un ay tym for myself 2enjoy the lyf i hav.. nde naman ako nwalan ng buhay e, nadagdagan nga..

kung sa alaga at attention, nde nmn ako ngkukulang e..kaya lang, ultimo mom ko cnsbe n BAWAL NA ANG SOCIAL LIFE.. ha? ano daw?? ok cge ***** nga kc maliliit p ***.. pero db un *** once a month nln ako mgask lumabas..and u don't stay out l8..even i can't bear missin' my twins that long.....

may ibang guy friends pa ako n insenstitive..un tipong "KUNG AKO PINILI MO EDI SANA MAY KATASAMA KA NGAYON SA MGA BATA AT MAY KATABI KA PAGTULOG....." OO NAH!! masakit n nga e.. wag nmn mxadong ipagduldulan db??

so bale galit ako db??hehehe.....juz wna share my thoughts on this..mhirap tlgang intindihin ang katayuan naten..icp kc ng iba, e kasalanan nmn naten toh e..kaya magtiis tayo.....

ang akin lang, kasalanan ko nga toh e..mali na kung mali..pero mas magiging mali kung pagsisisishan ko pa buong buhay ko na dumating *** dhl mdami akong nde na-enjoy..nde k nmn hinihinging lhat ng gusto k mgwa k e..un simpleng nuod lang ng sine at coffee wit frends, ok na..*** nde n night lyf at inuman..

haaay.....PEOPLE!!