Discipline Matters [Merged]

[jack]

do you believe in spanking ???
how about shouting..hehehe? paano ba??

[Mavi]

I don't believe in hitting children. It is possible to instill discipline without resorting to spanking. With my 18 very active five-year old kids, I always deal with tantrums and little quarrels.

If they act up, it's for a reason. Like adults, they need time to simmer down. Let them take their time to calm down and then talk to them.

[ann]

i don't believe there r bad children ... confused, misguided, sad, angry children yes but no bad children ... the best way to deal with them is give them love & show them reason & demonstrate the right way to do things & solve their problems ...

of course, it's all theory on my part ... the last child i had to deal with was my youngest bro -- & he'll be 18 in dec!

still, i think it's easier to guide a child than a teener ...

[KATKAT]

I think the most is spanking and then explain to them afterwards why you had to do some such thing. I agree with you ann. But sometimes there are really kids who are makulit. This is a good substitute to spanking: Make them face the wall standing up. Then tell them they could not make any noice or move at all. Leave them there for about 10 mins. You'll see, they'll behave next time. That is a guarantee! :)

[Ira]

I think a light punishment (hindi bugbog!!!) won't hurt... spank the child on his hand, or send him up to bed without dessert, or, like Katkat said, make them stand or sit facing the wall. You have to explain to them immediately (preferably, while you are punishing them) though why you are punishing them...children, especially at a young age, cannot yet grasp the intrinsic concepts of right vs. wrong, and the only way to teach this is to associate a bad deed with a punishment/scolding. As the child grows up, the punishment can be lessened or totally removed, as long as they have learned that when an authority figure even just tells them something is bad, they will stop doing it.

[This message has been edited by Ira (edited 11-10-1999).]

[zyxthyn]

i think that it is just right to hit a kid but of course in a right way, i mean that they should be hit according to what they did and after the reason for you spanking them should be explained.

hitting a child is biblical naman...so that they will know what is right. but overdoing it is very bad which most of the time results to child abuse.

[slurbrun]

Zyxthyn: Spanking biblical! Pray what verse?

Jack: The best way to punish any child is to tell them they r UGLY. It ruins them forever!

[weye]

i'm not for hitting children either coz i believe that they'll come to associate pain with their wrong doings. this, of course, leads to fear of failure or sometimes even trying. i agree with KATKAT making them stand in the corner is a good idea or making them go to their room. punishments should be carried out directly after the incident and the explantion should be given at once. it should be clear to the child that u are punishing him/her simply for what he did and that u still love him/her.

[jack]

slurburn: u serious??? i think by saying that theyre pangit will make a child loose some self-esteem. eh baka marinig yan ng kanyang mga kapatid o kaibigan at mapagkantiyawan pa.

Peps: you are gith that the best way to lead is by example kaya i think there are really imes na sobrang maiininis ka na sa kid.

For me ok lang ang spanking 'wga lang totallly bogbogin. In a way spanking teaches discipline as well as respect of authority. Diba we hear tales of our lolas and lolos about how "cruel" their parents were, and i guess kaya "matino" ang mga grannies na natin partly because of that. The only reminder i want to make is that each offense must have different punishments. hindi naman dapat paluin ang bata...in some situations lang. :)

btw, nakatikin na ba kayo ng palo???

[BadGiRL]

JACK: sa bait kong ito...impossibleng hindi!!!! :)!

just as peps said....once u hurt someone lalo na pag bata with words...mahirap mag heal ang wounds...ok lang kung palo e...atleast bukas makalawa wala na yung sakit...pero once u tell a child something he is bound to believe it...kasi naman ikaw ang mas matanda kaya feel nya tama ka....

i think the best way to punish a child is to cut off his/her priviledges...like wala kang tv for the rest of the month...or pag dating ng 830 right after doing ur homework tulog ka na...wala nang laro laro...yun...and then of course..u'd have to explain to the kid bakit mo ginawa yun...kasi if u don't the child will jump to his/her own conclusions e....like hindi na ako mahal ni mommy kaya blah blah blah... or siguro ampon lang ako kaya pinaparusahan ako..something like that...children have wild imaginations e...

[ann]

zyxthyn & KATKAT: u mean spare the rod, spoil the child? ... well, ok, but make sure that punishment is given out at once & proportionate to the child's misdeed ... remember that children's attention span is quite short & that a punishment for a long-forgotten misdeed will send a msg that it's ok to keep grudges ...

Ira: actually, the face-the-wall or lie-on-the-bed & don't-make-a-sound "sentence" is what i used to teach my younger bro & sis [not the youngest 2 though] a lesson when they needed it ... ateng ate ba? ;)

[cherrycola]

I will never never ever hurt them physically. That is the very last thing I will ever do. For me, it's contrary to an intellectually stimulating environment. I also learned (when I took up Educational Psychology) that even young children possess the capability to understand the concepts of morality, although it would start at a very low and basic stage. I think it would be best to reason out with them. Example, if I want a child to put down a breakable object he/she's not supposed to play with. I would then ask the child what he/she thinks would happen to the object if it fell, and whether it's a good idea to play with it. That way, the child could think and pick it up from there, instead of punishing him/her blindly to not do this and that.

[Ira]

ann: Me and my siblings were quite close in age while we were growing up, and physically, I was always the smallest...so kahit ate ako I couldn't physically intimidate them, lol...at least it worked for you! What I know about child rearing is basically what I learned in my premed (psychology) course-- I tend to lean more with behaviorism theory--and in pediatrics. :)

[Kamatayan]

I don't think spanking a child will make them worse or make them more prone to violence... I got spanked as a child and I'm OK...


Now where'd I put that list of people I gotta kill...

[jack]

kamtayan : LOL ;)

i got spanked too but im not violent now. :)

[Zen]

Tanggalin mo sha ng net access...

[BadGiRL]

zen: for that...magpapakabait ako forever....imagine walang net!!! :)

[Zen]

Effective diba? LOL
Pero sabagay may mga net cafe naman at bahay ng mga kaibigan.. ehehe ;)

[cs_NOGNOG]

ang hirap kasi minsan e, you want the kid to stop acting in a particular way so you get mad. because if you don't get mad they won't listen to you. however when you do get mad, all you do is hurt their feelings and you're still ineffective just the same.

how do you make a kid listen to your words as if they're gospel??

[Eterna]

Kids don't ever come to our lives with a manual. Each kid born in a family is distinctly unique in character.

I myself is no authority in this but the i think that the best way to discipline a kid is to discipline them with love. What im trying to say is that it's normal form them to really get hurt when you get angry. You should however make them realize that you're anger is a consequence of their failure to forget to do what is expected of them. Consequently, when disciplining them, give them the ability to foresee the outcome of their choices ie. if he does the wrong thing then what, or vice versa. The effectivity of how we discipline them lies in their ability to learn from the consequences of their choices.

More than half a dozen times, i wish kids came with a manual really but then again....im glad they didn't because the spontaniety of loving them for what they are and what they are made of brings forth a certain spiritual joy that is the key to bonding with them.

[LadyMarmalade]

my dad never spanked me or anything...
he'd always talk to me, serious mode, one on one, with a normal tone of voice, he'd make me think about the consequences of my 'not-so-nice' deeds...
i think that always worked...
i was afraid of those "talks" a lot more than my mom's spanking.

[twinklestar465]

just try to explain clearly to your kid what's right from wrong. make them feel that its not the end of the world when they make a mistake.

[cs_NOGNOG]

actually i'm just his uncle, pero medyo naka guilty kc yung feeling pag natakot syo yung mga kids e.

at saka i've got this feeling na i'm subconsciously repeating how i was "disciplined" before kaya it makes me feel even worse cus i know how the kid feels.

parang i have this secret fear that i'll be passing on my own hang-ups to them when i want them to grow up without the same "scars" that i had.

[Eterna]

cs_NOGNOG Treat him like any individual you deal with.Sometimes its hard to do away with the old school of thought in the way we discipline kids. Sometimes we always have those pitfalls because we basically grew up with that, but taking time to know your ward and what it takes to make him/her listen to you is the key to it all.

[:Þ]

It's called Selective Punishment. It means that there will be instances when you really NEED to slap his hand and there will be times when you DON'T.

There's a very fine line in between. You can't hurt your kid everytime because he will grow up hating you and trust me - he will remember them when he grows up (I know because I do)
On the contrary, you can't be too loose either because your child will grow up spoiled and disrespectful.

In my experience, here's what I can share:

DO NOT hurt a child on his or her delicate areas (i.e. head, stomach, back) try to focus on his hands as much as possible.

When you scold your child, MAKE SURE that he clearly understands what and why he's getting scolded for.

DO NOT ARGUE WITH YOUR SPOUSE IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD. Trust me on this, they will take it seriously and possibly grow up hating on you both.

IF your spouse disagrees with your decision, DO NOT DISCUSS IT IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD - discuss it privately instead. It's because your child will think that one of you is wrong and one is right and he will grow up hating one of you.

I'm a parent myself and I try to be "cool" with my son as much as possible. This kind of attitude will help bring your child closer to you and he will always feel "open" and "welcome".

Good luck, hope these helped :)

[Ryousuke]

I personally feel that children should be made to feel that their decisions and opinions count, and themselves taken seriously as individuals and not "just kids." Because despite their age, children, especially very intelligent children, can sense whether as an adult you take them seriously or are merely humoring them. Respecting their individuality and intelligence is key to earning their respect (not the other way round that's inherent in traditional disciplinary methods. I hate the 'respect me or else,' it's so typically traumatizing). I have nephews and nieces, and am thankful I'm young enough (twenties) to "be cool" in their eyes ;) It's useful to talk to them and find out what they think is most important, and whether they have an idea of what responsibilities they have.

Before asserting any form of discipline outline the rules clearly and explain anything that needs explaining - compare it to explaining the mechanics of a ballgame. Reminding them all the time is the quickest way for them to ignore you! Everyone hates nagging, and some kids will think you're talking down to them like you would a less intelligent being incapable of memorizing simple instructions ;).

I think punishment should be both instructive and constructive - have an offender do something useful out of the sight and knowledge of siblings or possible tormentors, like helping you grocery shop or helping you cook and wash up. In my experience refraining from labeling this "duty time" as punishment helps a great deal with the willingness of the offender! Most importantly you can converse with him/her on his/her reasons for doing what he or she did in a non-accusatory and friendly fashion, and instead of spending his/her time sulking or alone in a corner/a room - more likely to do harm than good - the child feels he/she can communicate his or her reasons without frustration at being denied fair trial :) And children do feel guilt, it's just that they mustn't be forced or made to feel it. Be prepared to reason out why something is right or wrong to help the child understand and apply her own judgement, and discipline will come easier.

[sixflat]

What do you mean "acting in a particular way"? Genrally, one should be objective in a manner that the kids could understand; if not, it should be explained to them. If the "rod" must be used, then it should be used, but not without warning, and eventually citing the reason why the "rod" was used. Be consistent, and "with kids, we must mix gentleness with firmness" (as quoted by Spurgeon)

[eileen_m]

you should give them rewards if theyv done good . and if they do otherwise, then you should explain it to them in a good manner like by not shouting at them and by telling them that if they do it again it's you who's gonna get hurt

[jeej]

My daughter is in her terrible twos. So far she's learning instinctively. I teach her the dos and don'ts but she is so precocious she'll try anything anyway. So she tries and learns the hard way (but not too hard as I am always there ). And... she learns. As early as now, she knows the consequences of her actions are, ultimately either her reward or punishment.

But when she does something good she gets extra rewards;) .
When and if she commits mistakes though, i don't feel the need to punish her cause the results are punishment enough for her. But who knows? She's only two.

[teri1977]

Going back to the basics is still the best way to handle any situation such as this. I think kids aren't too complicated to handle. How they grow up and how they become is more or less the result of parents' ways of disciplining them. Never take away the rights of a child just because you are in authority and he is not.

I do not believe in spanking or shouting at a child to stress one's point and make him follow your league. Learn to listen and explain things to them so they can understand what you want them to do. Don't laugh or get angry at their ideas no matter how silly or too advance they may seem. Never tell them that it's too nonsense for you to be thinking about it. Your way of thinking is way too broad for them to understand. You gotta reach out to them not them to you.

Discipline with love. Be a father. Be a mother...not someone in authority over them.

[ReLaTiViTy]

my dad never spanked me or anything like that. it was my mom who's the disciplinarian. pero as i grew up, i became more scared of my dad than my mom. minsan kse my dad would just be silent pag may kasalanan ko. mapagbigay kasi yun e. we have our arguments, pero we get over it eventually. sinusuyo niya ako e. hehehe... spoiled!

[i_love_killua]

Dapat, kung yung mga kids nyo eh ka-age ko (15-17), kausapin niyo, (don't ever shout at them), sabihin niyo ng deretshan yung gusto niyo at maiintindihan naman niya kayo. Like me, medyo matigas ang ulo ko, pero pag kinausap ako ng daddy ko (mas takot me sa daddy ko kahit mommy ko ang namamalo. weird noh?), sunod agad ako. Bakit? Coz I respect him and love him that much. Hindi naman sa hindi ko mahal mommy ko pero, minsan, kakainis tapos nagna-nag.........

(sorry mom. Happy Mothers Day. [belated na pala ito])

Sana makatulong

:D

[hannah17smb]

try to explain very very clear... :flog:

:rotflmao:

:wave:

[Leo_Wyatt]

These were my parents' methods of discipline and the results were very successful.

1. When we were young, pag may ginagawa kaming kalikutan, they will warn us. After giving the 1st and 2nd warning at hindi pa rin kami huminto, they will spank me (with matching explanation why my mom/dad is going to spank me).

2. If there are instances na kailangan paluin agad (e.g nang-away or nanakit ng bata, nanira ng gamit intentionally, and the like), my mom/dad will take me to a very private place, explain first and SPANK!!! Then, they will make me a promise not to do it again.

Now I am an adult, graduate na ako sa pamalo. :lol: Verbal discipline na lang ang binibigay sa akin. And I grew up a very good person. I never regretted their methods of discipline coz I finally realized that "Discipline was rendered to correct my mistakes and not to satisfy my parents' anger".

[boardbuster]

No matter how bad a parent thinks his child has done, a parent must never, never get mad, nor even lose his/her temper. Because that makes a parent lose the correct perspective and can make the parent behave in a very irrational way. A parent should not just lash out at his children.

When a child commitsa mistake or any infraction the parent must remain objective and cool. And most of all, not to draw from how he was treated by his own parent when he himself was a child.
The punishment for the child must be a punishment that is not coming out of anger but a justifiable punishment that will make the child focus on what bad thing he has done and not focus on the anger of the parent and the punishment alone.

The parent must show that all is done out of his love for the child, his desire for him to grow into a better adult. The punishment must enhance love and respect for each other, not resentment and anger. And both parent and child must feel sincerely and genuinely sorry for the whole incident. The child must be sorry that he has committed an offense against the rules of the parent and the parent must genuinely and siucerely feel sorry that he has to mete out a punishment to the child. Love and respect must prevail.

[Edesmedina]

Hello everyone...I'm new here so please bear with me... I have a 3 year old daughter... she's a very independent child, makulit, ask questions a lot...very typical of a child this age...My queston is sometimes when they go overboard as in when you want them to stop they will still continue kung ano yung ginagawa nila...(even if you are talking to them nicely wherein you explain STOP DOING IT BECAUSE YOU WILL GET HURT or ask them PLEASE BABY LISTEN TO MAMA THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY or whatever typical stuff na sinasabi ng nanay sa anal niya pag sasawayin...)how do you keep your patience intact...I admit there are times i raised my voice already or spank them in their hand so they will know that i'm dead serious sa mga sinasabi ko. I wanted to hear some point of view of how to talk to a 3 yr old without losing their patience... Thanks.

[Sweetkay]

My son is only 3months old but I know that I will get to this point.

I suppose you can show them an example of what could happen to them if they don't follow.

Like what my coworker told me earlier. His son was on top of the glass table when he got home. Of course he got worried coz if the glass breaks, the kid will get hurt.

What he did was he took the kid outside and brought a small bottle. Then he dropped the bottle and showed it to the kid. When the kid saw what happened to the bottle, he understood that he can get hurt if he continues going up the glass table.

I think that would work.

[LEARNING IS FUN]

May I suggest you try getting a copy of the book - DISCIPLINE WITHOUT SHOUTING OR SPANKING worth P150 available from LEARNING IS FUN BOOK CENTERS. EMAIL adettepurto@yahoo.com, call 824-8145 or txt 09228109732

[LEARNING IS FUN]

try talking to your kid on eye level

[WandaWits]

meron ba yan sa national bookstore? im interested to buy the book.

[si_ako]

hi sis, mine is also 3yrs old and boy sya *** super kulit at likot talaga. like what u've said, hindi **** maawat. even if i explain everything or scare him balewala. my mom taught me the idea of disturbing his attention kapag nakita ko na syang may gagawing mali. so pag may hahawakan sya or ihahagis na bagay, bigla kong binabaling sa iba ang atensiyon nya. yun nga ***, kylngan dami tayo ideas hehe. ok din yung kwentuhan mo sya about good manners but dont expect agad na masusunod agad nya lahat yun, since bata natural lang **** maging malikot at makulit.

[baalzebub]

you can choose inductive discipline, where you can show your child the consequence for his/her actions .. you should always explain to your child why he is being punished and assure him that you love him

pero kung sobrang likot gaya nang pagtawid sa kalsada, o nagsisimula na siyang manakit, dapat maging mas strict sa pagdisiplina

[cmars2]

my son is one year old at sobrang likot. kung ano yung pinagbabawal sa kanya, kahit anong explanation ang gawin mo, talagang ginagawa nya. mapang-inis na bata. sinusunod nya lang kami kapag dina-divert namin yung attention nya sa isang bagay or we talk to him ng palambing. so far, it worked naman. kelangan mo lang maging composed lalo na kapag umakyat na sa bintana. dapat huwag sisigaw sa nerbyos or else talagang mahuhulog or madidisgrasya ang bata. sobrang pasensya lang talaga kahit galit na galit ka na.

[pattybee]

Believe me you still have a long way to go! My daughter will be 10 y.o. in a few months and she's still very makulit. And at her age, marunong na mag reason out. She questions everything and isn't satisfied with a simple answer. It really depends on my mood. If I'm not tired then I sit down with her to really talk things out. Pero if she catches me in a bad mood, naku, sigawan na yan!

[LEARNING IS FUN]

if you are interested with the book DISCIPLINE WITHOUT SHOUTING OR SPANKING, please email adettepurto@yahoo.com or adettepurto@gmail.com another title worth reading is FROM NO TO YES WITHOUT BRIBING OR THRETEANING

[annielise]

I tried the time-out principle on my 2 y.o. and it seemed to work better than spanking him because when I tried to spank him, he thought it was also okay for him to hit us. Time-out is actually a good discipline tool that worked for us.

[scherezade]

Having a child really do wonders in one's life, especially if you're a mom...ang daming moments na talaga namang di malilimutan... all the laughters, joys, tears and pains...yes including those Tears & Pains...

I started having trouble with my eldest's attitude- it started when she began schooling at age 3, at first mild lang, di nya ako minsan pinapansin whenever I call her, o kaya she will totally ignore me lalo na pagnakatutok sa tv. Our first comment was maybe she is just the type of person na one task at hand lang sya, pagmay ginagawa duon lang ang concentration nya....

Then when she reaches 5 duon na ako totally nagkaproblem, sumasagot na sya, and totally sumusuway sya, she is having trouble following my instructions.... pati yung mga schedule na ginagawa ko para may structure sa bahay kahit na we were staying with my in-laws at least yung structure ang dapat masunod when it comes to my kids....nahihirapan akong i-implement sa kanya...

Then when we came here (abroad) kami na lang talagang mag-iina ang magkasama minus the in-laws... pag pumapasok sa work ang husband ko nabawasan ang pagigigng pasaway ng anak ko, maybe because there is no interference from my in-laws, and i've been reading articles on discipling your child.... lahat na ng pwedeng maging source binasa ko na...but one thing is very very obvious sa lahat ng nabasa ko...the key is CONSISTENCY.... yun lang ang importante...and I also learned na di naman nya sinasadyang maging pasaway...she is just being a child... and yan ang di ko naman pwedeng gawing basehan character nya...

Now, we still sometimes clash kasi she is trying to do everything on her own na (she is very smart kasi - top of her class and top notcher din sa quiz bee nila sa school) feeling nya alam na nya lahat about the world...

With regards to my youngest daughter (not sure talaga kung bunso na to :lol: ) because sa akin talaga sya lumaki okay naman kami. I am not frustrated with her kahit alam ko na di naman nya lahat naiintindihan ang sinasabi ko whenever I'm disciplining her.
My youngest understands me pa nga eh...alam nyo ang timbre ng boses pag galit na ako and yung antics nya di na makakalusot....pero yun eldest ko she sometimes drives me to the limit....

Meron ba kayong suggestions on how to keep my relationship with my daughters healthy? :confused: I don't want to end up being alienated sa buhay ng anak ko once nagdalaga na sya and have a family of her own.... Ayokong magaya ako sa relationship ko with my mom nun nabubuhay pa sya....:(

[DaNa8]

I would think that showing your kid that you love and care for him would be enough. But I too am having problems disciplining my 22 month old son. He would always cry to get what he wants and I mostly give in since I couldn't bear to see him that way. I think that he's still young but I also think I have to set limits as early as now for him to learn the values of obedience and respect. What do you think is the proper age when you can start disciplining your kid and he's able to understand what you mean?

[scherezade]

well I guess the best time to implement discipline is as early as now, dahil hindi lang sila babies eh, kundi smart babies... pansinin mo, alam nya kung kelan ka maggi-givein sa request nya and if di nya kaagad nakuha magiging persistent sya until you give in..duon nya mari-realize na konting kulit pa bibigay din..so I guess to make your baby understand when is enough eh dapat explain to him kung bakit hindi na pwede yung gusto nya...
I also got the chance to get some inputs on a tv show called The Nanny, alam ko palabas dyan sa pinas yun sa Star World.... dito kasi nasa ibang station (because am out of the country). And remember the consistency, be firm dahil para din naman sa kanya kung bakit di na pwede ang gusto nya di ba?

[DaNa8]

I guess I really should start disciplining my son. It's quite hard though coz I'm a working mom and he mostly stays with his lola and yaya during the day. If he wants/wants to do something and it's bad or dangerous for him, I usually distract him to make him forget about it.

[scherezade]

alam mo yan din ang dilemma ko when I was working... laking lola (in-laws) din ang eldest kaya parang di kami magkasundo ngayon...but am now trying to workout my relationship with her kasi kami na lang ngayon ang magkasama dito abroad, minus the in-laws... good luck, and keep writing in this forum, kasi it really helps pag meron kang nakakahingahan ng mga worries, and people will help din.... :)

[DaNa8]

I make it a point to spend the whole weekend with him to have some quality time. And I also come home early from work; I'm usually at home by 6:15 pm. My son's close to me naman. He still prefers me over any of his caregivers (especially because he only gets his 'dede' from me coz we still breastfeed up to now) although sobrang attached nya din sa dad ko. I'm a single mom kasi so my parents look out after him.